Will You Marry Me?
This is the question a man asks a woman when he is ready to provide for her mental, physical, emotional, and financial needs for the rest of his life. Yes, is the answer a woman gives when she agrees to provide for his mental, physical, and emotional needs until her death. If we all take a little time to pick the right person, marriage is the most beautiful relationship in the world. A person chooses to love you as they love themselves, unconditionally and without prejudice. So why do so few of us aspire to this level of love? Men are saying, “Women fall in two categories: far too independent or far too dependent.” Women are saying, “What do I need a man for? And all men lie and cheat.” When I hear these responses I hear issues of independence, power, money, and trust. These are the symptoms of a disease called fear. The fear of being dependent on someone or being vulnerable might allow someone to disappoint or hurt you. What if they do hurt you? In a couple of months to a year you will be just fine. But what if they don’t hurt you and truly fall in love with you with every fiber in their bodies? You will experience the life God intended for you and happiness at a level only a great marriage can give.
We Need Each Other, Believe it or Not
In 1960, three-quarters of African American children were born to married couples. I can go back even further to say that only 18% of black women married in the 1940s were eventually divorced. This statistic is slightly higher than their white counterparts. Currently, marriage rates are down and divorce and childbirth out of wedlock are increasing rapidly for everyone. But the negative changes have been the greatest for African Americans. For example, in 1950s the percentage of married white women and black women were about the same, 67 % and 64 % respectively. By 1998, the rate dropped 13 % to 58 % for white women, and dropped 44 % to 36 % for black women.
Today it just gets worst for black women. 29 % aged 15 and over were married with their spouse present in the home, compared to 55 % of White women and 49 % of Hispanic women. I say this to point out that there is no coincidence as to why we have the most social problems of any other ethnic group. African Americans make up 12 % of the population, yet we have the lowest marriage rate, highest divorce rate, largest birth rate out of wedlock, the highest prison occupancy, highest rate of death from AIDS, lowest academic test scores, lowest participation in college prep courses, etc.
While black women spend their money trying to raise children alone and keep up with the Jones’, black men are spending their money trying to impress and date women while maintaining separate households. If we continue at this pace, we will cease to exist in the future. Most of you may find this inconceivable. I suggest you study history of civilizations that no longer exist to find out who they were, the size of their population, and what caused their end. I think you will find groups larger than ours that have disappeared from society.
We need each other to maintain affordable housing. We need each other to provide adequate parenting to our children. We need each other to decrease promiscuous behavior and decrease the spread of AIDS in our community. We need each other to pool our resources and increase our economic and political strength. We need each other’s love and support to build a community that nurtures and protect our children. We need each other to lower our frivolous spending and free up more money to save toward retirement, college education, and estate planning to leave an inheritance to our children’s children. We need each other to increase the titles of wife, mother, husband, and father; and lower the number of bitches, ho’s, prostitutes, players and pimps. We need each other so we can spend less time dating and more time living our lives in a way that honors God.
Let’s also look at the emotional benefits. When that special someone loves us, cares for us, respects us, appreciates us and genuinely likes us unconditionally, it’s the best feeling in the world. Having that special someone to celebrate your successes and that shoulder to cry on during our darkest moments is a fundamental need of every human being. Now remember, I said that special someone. Yes, we can get all of the things I mentioned earlier from a variety of different people in a variety of different ways. However, it will always have more meaning when it comes from your mate.
Because of love and the feelings it brings, I still pursue women even though I’m sometimes afraid. I’m afraid of being vulnerable, rejected, abandoned, afraid of trusting, and of being hurt, yet I do it anyway. Fear can immobilize love. It’s not until you do what you fear the most that the death of fear is certain. Complaining and blaming each other has gotten us nowhere. When challenges occur, both partners are usually responsible because both of you are trying to prevent being hurt and disappointed.
